Good morninggg. Sorry for the early post, I was at my cousin’s house running three miles, because I’m training for a half marathon in March. Then, I stayed for dinner and by the time I got home I went right to bed. Which leads me to today’s topic (which I feel is a topic most people can relate to): body dysmorphia. I didn’t really start having body dysmorphia until ninth grade, but before then I’ve always gotten little side comments either by my peers or even family members. I grew up on the thicker side, not chubby but just muscular looking. I remember one time in afterschool when I was in fourth or fifth grade, my best friend at the time mentioned to me how I have more “layers” than her. Which was purely innocent, but I remember thinking at the time “Did she just call me fat?” In middle school I truly did not care what anybody thought about me (except about my acne). I had a pixie cut, started shifting my style to more edgy so I wasn’t focused on my body. It didn’t get bad until the summer going into ninth grade. I remember sucking in in the mirror, sitting down and just freaking out about my stomach, and this is the time that I did a shit ton of research about losing weight and skinny tips etc etc. The funny part of all of this is that people who struggle with body dysmorphia most of the time are skinny and healthy. I think that it’s a perfectionism quirk in my brain that goes “you’ll never find a boyfriend if you’re not skinny/ you need to look perfect to everyone all the time”. Anyways, the summer going into sophomore year, I worked out 3-6x a week, whether it was weight training or lacrosse practice, and eating in a calorie deficit of around 1200 kcals. Yikes. I was under fueling all the time, but I did lose about 10 pounds. There were days where I went 3 days without eating and only drinking coffee and water. I was in the gym bathroom body checking myself and my friend at the time just looked at my and said “Oh my god, you’re so skinny”. I looked at her blankly and looked at myself again and thought “Wtf is she seeing?” Sophomore year I was the skinniest I’ve ever been in my life. I left the calorie deficit and then, continuously through Junior and Senior year gained and lost between 5-10 pounds, and I was in the worst mental state of my life. Senior year I was an anxious freak. I was consumed by the food and calorie noise. I obsessed over the number on the scale which is bullshit because I am muscular and muscle weighs more than fat, so it fucked up my perception of myself. I didn’t look fat, but the scale told me otherwise. I still am 10 pounds “over” than what I would like to be, but I’m focusing more on moving my body (half marathon training) and intuitively eating and only eating when my body is hungry and not succumb to my appetite. I still body check and weigh myself every day, but I don’t obsess as much anymore which I’m grateful for. Still trying to get to that mental state of acceptance which takes time and practice.

Hope this helps some people 🙂 Love you guys,

Lin